Bard of Filth Competition

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TUMB 04/10

Examples of dirty limericks the Professor first spoke for James as examples of the types of poetry the Bard of Filth competition would be considering"

“There once was a man from Nantucket

“Whose dick was so long he could suck it

“He said with a grin

“While wiping his chin

“If my ear were a hole, I could fuck it.”

“There was an old mayor of Bombay,

“Who fell asleep in his office one Sunday,

“He awoke with a scream,

"’What, another wet dream?

“This comes of not fucking since Monday."

TUMB 05/9

After the Pendleton incident, James was trading stories in the bar with some of the Marnes and the cops, and they got to talking about how they had gotten into trouble. Walsh, one of the cops, said he had gotten into trouble by creating too many ribald cadences, and gave examples:

Monkey from Coconut Grove:

“Up jumped the monkey from the coconut grove.

He was a bad motor scooter, you could tell by his clothes.

He wore a four-button diddy with a double-knit stitch.

He was a muff-bucking motherfucking sonofabitch.

He had cast-iron balls and a blue-steel rod.

He could hip-fire Vulcan and thought he was God.

Lined a hundred women up against a wall

And on a two-dollar bet said he could fuck ‘em all.

Well, he fucked ninety-eight till his balls turned blue.

Then backed off, jacked off and fucked the other two!

Singing hey, I feel all right now

Hey, really out of sight now.”

Nelson offered this one:

“Whip me, beat me, I need love.

Let me feel that leather glove!

Swing it round and let it crack.

Lay that whip across my back.

Walk spiked heels across my back,

Fishhooks through my scrotum sack.

Whips and chains, now they’re a blast.

Let’s go, baby. Spank my ass!”

TUMB 05/17

Limericks the Professor gave Brownstone to use as a passphrase when he was acting as a courier:

“A young woman got married last noon,

Her boyfriend she kissed, and gave a swoon,

Her mother laughed and said, ‘You're in luck,

He's a stunning good fuck.

For I've had him myself down in the saloon.”

“There was an old man from Detroit

Whose dick was remarkably short.

When he got into bed

His old woman said,

This isn't a prick, it's a wart."

TUMB 05/23

Some of James' first attempt at a dirty limerick:

“There was a man from Nantucket.

He really liked his bucket.

Some guys came by with pie,

Which they threw into the sky,

And he said, ‘Oh, whatever, fuck it.”

“There was an old man at the zoo,

He really liked to smell poo,

A monkey came near,

And he yelled get clear,

But the smell was still true.”

TUMB 07/13

Examples of dirty limericks offered by Anna Forsythe, in first meeting with Brownstone:

“Jane came home after a year,

From her trip to a land that was near.

A place barren of hills,

Where she learned many skills,

From fucking men after a beer.”

“The professor is studying mass,

And he teaches many a class,

But he comes home from work,

Too tired to smirk,

And still fucks his wife in the ass.”

TUMB 07/18

Examples of Limericks Brownstone gave the Professor as samples of what he might come up with:

“There once was a man they called James,

Who loved meat cooked with open flames,

His house got burned down,

Which gave him a frown,

So he kicked ass without taking names.”

“There once was a man they called Brock,

Who worked like a bitch ‘round the clock,

A vacation he earned,

For the lessons he’d learned,

Like fucking your mom with his cock.”

TUMB 07/26

Limericks used at the Competition.

By Brownstone, the first to go:

“There once was a man they called Brock,

Who worked like a bitch ‘round the clock,

A vacation he earned,

For the lessons he’d learned,

Like fucking your mom with his cock.”

The Professor's rebuttal:

“There was a young sailor named Bates,

Who went off to sea wearing skates,

But a fall on his cutlass,

Has rendered him nutless,

Poor fucker’s now useless on dates."

The Last Round:

By the Professor - The Professor’s fourth and final salvo left James reeling, if only because he hadn’t realized the rhyming potential of Dolores.

James rebuttal:

“A beautiful woman named Shay,

Who was well used to getting her way,

Took a liking to James,

Her sweet spot he slayed,

And she couldn’t walk straight the next day.”

The Professor retained his title of Bard of Filth.

TUMB 11/04

Shay volunteers a limerick on the night of the competition, ex temporarily, as a sample of her wit, with the threat that she might compete in the future. It was accepted with cheers and claps, and Father O'Banian said if that were true, he'd really have to bring his A game. Shay cleared her throat and turned to the crowd.

“There once was a sailor named Jacques,

Toughest bastard near the docks,

At night, he did not kill,

Instead, he chose to spill,

Cum from his largest of cocks.”